


To the water

by ironniek



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 20:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11066439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironniek/pseuds/ironniek
Summary: Take me to the waterBy the road that leads you downAnd lay me down





	To the water

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything but the words from my imagination. The song is Matt Simons - To The Water and i don't own that either.

_I walked into the bedroom_

_On a rainy afternoon_

_And I heard him say to me_

_Not a moment too soon_

 

It’s raining and he’s standing in front of a head stone, staring down at the words on it. He’s holding back his tears. He doesn’t have an umbrella, gave it away at the ceremony. The rose he was supposed to put on the casket is still in his hand, the thorns pressing into his hand, probably drawing blood but he doesn’t care. He sinks to his knees and starts to sob, screams till he has no voice left. He’s alone, everyone already long gone so no one will hear or see him anyway. It shouldn’t have been like this, he shouldn’t have to suffer through this loss, he doesn’t want to feel the pain, it isn’t fair. Droplets of water are dripping down from his hair and he’s completely soaked. There’s a pressing pain on his chest and it’s getting harder to breathe. His hands finds the simple titanium band on his ring finger, he wants to take it off, throw it away. It’s a promise never kept now. He keeps looking at the stone, knowing he should get going, he will get sick if he doesn’t but he can’t stop staring at the name. Still hoping the letters might change, that he’s here for no reason at all. He remembers the smiles, the kisses and the hugs. He’s forgetting facial expressions, happy memories and lazy Sundays together.

He stares at the name, the name of his true love, the relationship that never was. No one knew and now no one will. He gets up and walks away, the rose still in his hand. He can’t say goodbye.

 

**‘Lewis Hamilton. 1985-2017’**

**‘More than my own heart’**

 

It shouldn’t be like this.

 

 

_He said child don’t you worry_  
_I will always be with you_  
 _From the way he’d looked at me_  
 _I believed it to be true_

 

The first time he sees Lewis in pain is on a Saturday in Abu Dhabi, the last race of the season, the race that will decide who will win this year’s championship. He sees it just before qualifying is supposed to start, his team mate is sitting in a conference room, the door is slightly ajar and he guesses he shouldn’t have seen it. Lewis his head is resting in his hands and he’s softly groaning in pain, a bottle of prescripted painkillers is standing beside him on the table. Lewis sits up and swallows two pills, Nico quickly turns around and walks away. Whishing he didn’t see it. Nico watches Lewis pull on his racing overalls from the other side of the garage, he’s worried, but Lewis isn’t showing any signs of pain anymore. He doubts asking Toto about it but decides against it. Lewis would have told them if he really wanted to. He watches Lewis get into the car, he isn’t acting any different and Nico is still worried.

It doesn’t seem like anything is wrong with Lewis at all throughout the whole qualifying session. The brit breaks a record and takes pole, setting down the fastest lap ever driven here in qualifying. Nico sees his teammate stumble a bit as he’s trying to get out of the car but a smile is on Lewis’ face once he gets the helmet off. He looks healthy and it leaves Nico confused, he doesn’t ask about it later when they’re cuddled up against each other in bed, watching a movie. Lewis looks normal, it might have just been a headache. He plays with the ring on his finger, the ring Lewis gave him to match the one he has. Nico doesn’t worry about it further, Lewis will tell him if it’s something bad. It’s nothing to worry about, he tells himself and believes it, until the next day when they’re on the track for the national anthem.

Lewis is standing in between Max and Daniel, Nico on his left beside Max, and he seems distracted. They’ve just took their positions and he’s already moving uncomfortably. Nico tries not to glance over to him as much until Max moves beside him, he glances sideways and sees Lewis is falling to the ground, eyes closed and he sees Max just catching him before he hits the ground. There’s chaos around them, people from medical running over to them immediately. Nico wants answers, he wants to sit down beside Lewis but they keep him from doing that. One of the people calls for a stretches, another mumbling they’ll have to take him to the hospital. He feels a hand on his shoulder and he turns around to see it’s Max, it’s meant to be supportive and it is in a way but it doesn’t calm him down. They wheel Lewis away, Nico wants to follow but gets stopped again, the race has to go on they tell him. Not a minute after he sees the ambulance drive away they’re back in line for the anthem again, Nico can’t take his eyes of the empty spot Lewis left. He doesn’t quite realize that this means he’s world champion until his engineer whispers it in his ear before he’s about to get into the car. He smiles, pretends to be happy and there’s a lot of slaps on his back.

The race is uneventful and the podium isn’t the same with Lewis there, he’s spraying champagne because Max and Kimi do so and he keeps the smile on his face because its expected. The other two drivers empty their champagne bottle over his head and together they lift him on their shoulders. Nico lets himself be amazed at the strength Max has. Everything after that is a bit of a haze, the podium interview, the press interview, the interviews in the reporters square, he just wants to go to Lewis. He’s happy, about winning the championship, he is but it feels bittersweet, it feels like he didn’t deserve it.

And then he’s finally on his way to the hospital, it’s late and he’s tired but he needs to see Lewis tonight. Toto is with him in the car, he seems just as confused and nervous as he himself is but Nico knows his team boss knows more about this. Nico avoids eye contact and keeps toying with the ring around his finger, he married Vivian and got to keep Lewis, it was so perfect.

They won’t give him an update once they reach the hospital, they just tell him they can’t see him yet. Nico sinks down in a seat, Vivian calls and he finally breaks. Sobbing over the phone, he’s stressed and so worried. His wife is trying to calm him down, Toto is talking to someone from the hospital staff and he’s on the phone with her for around half an hour. One of the nurses walks up to them once he hung up, his head hurts and his eyes must be red and swollen.

‘’You can see him now, he’s awake’’ and she points out the room where Lewis is. Nico almost runs to the room but stills once he stands in front of the door, he gently pushes it open and hears the beeping of some machines. ‘’Hey’’ a familiar voice whispers and Nico walks to the bed, looking at his lover, he looks small.

‘’Lew’’ he whispers and reaches out to grab his hand and presses a kiss on it. The other is smiling, ‘’They told me you won’’ Nico hears him chuckle and looks up, there’s a smile on Lewis’ face, Nico manages to smile too. ‘’Yeah, I’m world champion’’ he tries to sound cheerful but he can’t and the smile fades from his face. ‘’Please tell me it’s nothing bad.’’ He looks down at their hands, not daring to look him in the eye, he already knows part of the answer.

‘’I can’t Nico’’ Lewis chokes out and Nico still won’t look up. ‘’It’s cancer, brain tumor’’ he whispers and Nico can almost feel the ground sink away under his feet, tears drip down from his eyes. Life isn’t fair.

 

 

_When he said,_

_When he said,_

_I’m ready to close my eyes_  
 _Steady and hold tight_  
 _I’m gonna be crossing over_  
 _To heaven and the great divide_  
  
_And I_

 

When they told him there was not much they could do he really broke down, Lewis was trying to be strong, was telling Nico everything would be fine. But it wasn’t going to be fine, Lewis is dying and nothing will ever be fine anymore. The tumor was too big to be removed without a chance of brain damage and they could try radiation therapy but they didn’t know what it would do. He didn’t believe them when they told him he would probably only have around 3 months left if the radiation therapy wouldn’t do anything.

Lewis is still trying to be hopeful, there’s a small smile on his face and he keeps telling the nurses he’s feeling fine, asking if Nico can take him home. Nico watches him in amazement, he can’t understand how he can be so calm now. Since Lewis’ own doctor is back in Monaco he gets released, they give him vitamins and some medication against the pain and Nico can take him back to the hotel. Lewis is still cheerful, telling Nico they should drink something, celebrate his championship. He forces Nico to go to the team photo, to go to the celebrations so he steers the car back to the track, they go back to the garage and Nico lets himself celebrate for a moment, Lewis looks so proud of him. The Brit is pushing his pain and disappointment of not winning himself aside and praises Nico.

As soon as he sees the frown of pain on Lewis’ forehead he takes him back to the hotel, Lewis of course is protesting very loudly but ends up falling asleep in the car. Nico carries him upstairs once they’ve arrived and Lewis only wakes up again once he’s already on the bed. ‘’Hey’’ he whispers and pulls Nico down to lie on the bed too, the brunet wraps his arms around the blonde and presses his face against his neck. A dreadful feeling forms itself in Nico’s chest, how long will it be till they can’t do this anymore. How long will it be till he loses Lewis. ‘’I’m scared’’ He hears Lewis whisper and Nico blinks away some tears.

‘’I am too Lew, I can’t lose you’’ he whispers, his voice is shaking and he doesn’t care if he sounds selfish. He feels droplets of water on his neck, tears, and hugs Lewis close. He knew his lover would break down eventually, he holds him, whispers soothing words, trying to be strong himself. After a while he feels Lewis relax in his arm, he’s fallen asleep and Nico tries to lie down a bit more comfortable without moving too much. He doesn’t want to give up but it already feels like they lost.

 

 

_I’m ready to close my eyes_  
_Heavy and so wide_  
 _I can feel it pull me under_  
 _Steady as the rising tide_  
  
_Take me to the water_  
 _By the road that leads you down_  
 _And lay me down_

 

Everything that happens in the next few weeks is a bit of haze to Nico, there’s appointments at several hospitals with several doctors while they’re trying to hide from the media they’re going there. There’s so much information and he’s amazed by Lewis, amazed that he takes everything so well because Nico can feel himself breaking. Nico can’t figure out how to deal with this along with all the interviews and photo shoots because of his world championship win. They ask him about Lewis a lot, why he isn’t as active as he normally is and it’s so hard to keep a straight face, it’s so hard to not break down and just spill everything. They have to plan out most of the next few months and it feels odd, Lewis used to live in the moment and it’s weird to see him writing stuff in the colourful agenda Vivian got him. It doesn’t take long before there’s a pile of formal letters near the couch, all containing information about the treatment.

Nico can’t comprehend it all, doesn’t understand how Lewis still seems so optimistic. He doesn’t, well he hopes he doesn’t, let Lewis notice it, doesn’t let him notice how he feels about this all. Doesn’t tell him he can feel him slip away already and that it’s too soon. He needs to be strong, for him.

‘’I want to go on a big trip before the first treatment, take Alaϊa to Disney world or something’’ Lewis mumbles one evening when they’re all lying on the couch, Lewis’ head on Nico’s lap. Nico sees the sparkle in his eyes and doesn’t have the heart to tell him he personally thinks it isn’t a good idea. He shares a look with Vivian and sees him give him a ‘let him have this look’ and Nico is blinking away some tears.

‘’We’ll go’’ he smiles down at Lewis and the other sits up so he can give Nico a kiss and Vivian a hug, he lies down again after that, silently talking about what they could do and where they could go until he falls asleep. ‘’I’m scared Viv’’ Nico whispers once he notices Lewis is asleep and reaches out to grab her hand. ‘’We all are dear.’’ She whispers and for the first time since Abu Dhabi he sees a terrified look in her eyes, he forgot how much Lewis means to her too and immediately feels so selfish. ‘’Winning was supposed to be a good thing and now it just… it doesn’t feel right I wish I could just give him this year’s championship I don’t want it.’’ And he can’t stop some tears falling out of his eyes, can’t stop it this time. She shifts closer to him, careful not to wake Lewis and wraps her arms around him, they sit like that until it’s time to go to bed.

 

 

_It was early in the evening_  
_He gave all that he could give_  
 _And I felt him leaving me_  
 _But I learned how to live_  
  
_When he said_  
 _When he said_

 

Lewis is walking ahead of them with Alaϊa on his left arm, he’s spoiled her so much already and they’re wearing matching Mickey Mouse ears on their heads. It makes Nico forget about everything for a while. They agreed to put together a photo album, Lewis’ idea, and they dug up a bunch of old pictures. He didn’t mention it was a reminder of their time together once he would be gone but they all knew that was why Lewis suggested it. It would be nice to keep some memories. Vivian is in charge of the photographs today and snaps a quick one of them. He looks so happy, he almost doesn’t seem sick.

They only notice it late in the evening, Lewis always sleeps early and long. He’ll regret being so active all day tonight and will probably moan about his aching muscles later tonight, they’ve gotten used to it. Nico sees Lewis point to an ice cream stand and Alaϊa squeals in delight, they share a big cone and Vivian shakes her head at the sticky mess they’re making.

 

That night is the first bad one of many they will experience, Lewis is in pain. He wakes them up in the middle of the night, obviously struggling to stay silent. There’s a frown of pain on his face and Vivian is already up to grab the medicine they got for him. Nico wraps his arms around Lewis as he groans in pain, Lewis presses his face against his neck and Nico is sure he’s crying. Vivian rushes back with two bottles with pills and a glass of water.

‘’Lewis, hey.’’ She sits down beside him again, a hand on his shoulders, Lewis struggles to look up. ‘’I’ve got your pills, this will help.’’ Lewis only nods his head slightly and she helps him take the pills and then the water, making him slowly drink the full glass. Once he’s finished the water he cuddles back into Nico’s side, face pressed against his neck again. It takes a while before he stops shaking, Vivian has tears in her eyes and they both have to take a deep breath, they look at each other, knowing this will happen a lot from now on. Nico holds out his other arm and Vivian settles on the bed beside him, they don’t say anything for a while.

‘’I’m sorry’’ they hear Lewis mumble once they’re almost asleep again. ‘’Oh Lewis.’’ Vivian whispers with a broken voice and looks down at him. ‘’You have nothing to be sorry for’’ she whispers and reaches out to softly stroke his cheek. Nico bites on his lower lip and tilts his head down to place a soft kiss on his lips. ‘’Go to sleep Lew, you need it.’’ He whispers then, not knowing what comforting words to say. The fact that he can’t cheer him up makes the situation almost worse. He’s glad when Lewis lets it rest and takes another deep breath when Lewis has fallen asleep.

‘’He’s in pain and I can’t do anything.’’ Nico says with a broken voice and looks up at Vivian. She gives him a sad look ‘’We can stay strong together liebling’’ she whispers and brushes a kiss over his lips. Nico doesn’t feel any better but he nods his head, they both fall asleep soon.

 

 

_I’m ready to close my eyes_  
_Steady and hold tight_  
 _I’m gonna be crossing over_  
 _To heaven and the great divide_  
  
_And I_

 

Nico is grateful the treatment isn’t making Lewis’ hair fall out, he still looks himself apart from the fact he’s losing weight, he looks small and Nico is almost afraid to touch him. He doesn’t lose his energy either, the treatment isn’t making him too sick. They had to tell the media a few weeks ago, had to make a statement to why Lewis’ wouldn’t be driving next year. Why he himself wouldn’t be driving this year. They got so many cards after that, cards from people they barely knew, all carrying a comforting message, all saying that they’re hoping Lewis will be well soon. It was getting harder and harder on all off them, Alaϊa doesn’t understand much of the situation, she’s too young to understand anyway but she senses something is wrong with Lewis. She wants to be around him a lot lately, they take naps together and she’s always trying to cheer Lewis up with her toys. Lewis always seems a bit stronger when Alaϊa is around them.

At night Lewis wants Nico’s arms around him, it makes him feel just a bit safer, makes him feel a bit stronger again. He’s tired a lot, which makes it hard for them to go out anymore, they still do when Lewis has good days. They go out for a picnic, nothing too heavy and still try to go out for dinner every now and then. On bad days they try to make him feel as comfortable as they can, Nico stays with him on those days, they cuddle, watch movies. Vivian always makes them go for a walk at night so he at least has some fresh air.

The trips to the hospital are tiring, when they have to go they’re often there for a whole day, Lewis has to go through several check-ups. The days after the hospital trips are always bad ones, Lewis always is in a lot of pain, those days he isn’t himself. He doesn’t even get out of his room but he also doesn’t want Nico or Vivian around. Alaϊa often sneaks into his room to fall asleep there. This is the usual story for the next couple of months.

 

 

_I’m ready to close my eyes_  
_They’re heavy and so wide_  
 _I can feel it pull me under_  
 _Steady as the rising tide_

 

The day he sees Lewis fully break is the one where they tell him the treatment didn’t have any effect. He’s been so strong, he fought so hard and they tell him there’s nothing they can do now. He’s losing the battle he never had been able to win anyway. It feels a bit like losing a race due to mechanical issues, you can’t do anything about it. He watches the expression on Lewis’ face and forgets all the comforting words he knows. Lewis cries then, still silently, and Nico can’t utter a word. He wants to get mad, wants to curse the doctor’s for giving them false hope but he knows it isn’t their fault either.

The realization of the fact he’s really going to lose him doesn’t come until they’re home and Lewis is napping. He sinks to the floor and muffles his cries by pressing his hands against his face. He cries until there are no more tears to shed and a terrible headache replaces his thoughts. Vivian finds him there, still sitting on the ground and immediately knows what is wrong, she already knew when she didn’t receive a phone call from Nico earlier.

‘’He’s going to die Vivi… I…. We’re gonna lose him’’ he whispers once she’s helped him stand up and sit on the couch. She doesn’t say anything, tears forming in her eyes herself as she looks at the broken look on her husband’s face.

 

They decide to take one last trip, the decision on where to go takes a while but Vivian mentions they should go to Greece, to the beach where Lewis and Nico kissed for the first time. Where they have so many happy memories from. They both agree pretty quickly and the trip is soon planned out. The realization that this will be their last trip doesn’t happen till they’re packing their bags. Lewis got the all clear to go from the doctor a week before that, they gave him some painkillers that will keep him on his feet for the last few days. The flight is tiring for Lewis, they don’t do much the next day and just spend their time around the pool. Lewis plays with  Alaϊa a lot, kisses Nico and Vivian every free moment of the day and hopes he can show them he loves them, how grateful he is to have them.

Lewis is doing alright for a few days until he’s not, he is starting to feel more sick and they all know it’s coming. They enjoy that day as much as they can, Lewis is weak. Vivian cooks a nice dinner and they talk over how they want to do this. After dinner it’s time to say goodbye.

‘’You take care of him yeah’’ Lewis whispers to Vivian while they hug, Nico is waiting by the door, waiting to take him to the beach where they’ll watch his last sunset. They agreed it would be their moment to share.

‘’I promise’’ she whispers through her tears and he presses a kiss on her forehead, then one on Alaϊa’s who’s looking at him with confused eyes. ‘’Love mommy and daddy for me’’ he smiles at her. He walks to Nico then, grabbing hold of his hand and waving at the both of them.

 

They’re walking on the beach, holding hands, Lewis walking just a step ahead of him. Nico grabs his phone to take one last picture, it’s a cliché really, a picture like this but he doesn’t mind. Lewis turns around to him and smiles, Nico takes another quick one before putting his phone away. They walk just a bit further and sit down, they aren’t too far from the house but it’s far enough for them to have some privacy.

‘’Promise me to go on with your life alright, maybe return to racing next year, Toto would welcome you back with open arms.’’ Lewis says but keeps looking at the sunset, there’s tears in his eyes he doesn’t want Nico to see yet. ‘’Tell Alaϊa about me when she’s older’’ he looks at Nico then. Nico can only nod his head and wrap his arms around him.

‘’I promise’’ He whispers once he found his voice again and presses a soft kiss on his lips. He pulls him down to lie, looking at the dark sky, filled with stars. ‘’Will you name one after me?’’ Lewis shifts so he lying on the side now. ‘’I’ll let Alaϊa pick, does that sound like a good idea?’’ Lewis nods his head.

They lay there, in the still warm sand, facing each other. ‘’I’ll see you soon?’’ Lewis asks, his voice soft and small, all the energy gone. ‘’Soon Lew, I love you.’’ Nico says and places his free hand over his lover’s heart, he wants to feel his heartbeat for the last time. He can feel it weakening, he can see Lewis is fighting to keep his eyes open.

‘’I love you, thank you for everything’’ they both cry, Nico holds him close and then he’s gone. He takes his last breath and Nico can’t feel the heart beat anymore. He’s gone.

 

 

_Take me to the water_  
_By the road that leads you down_  
 _And lay me down_

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

 

 

_Lay me down_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the tears you might have shed, I cried too.


End file.
